nebulas explain

2010-01-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, I need to get back to this.

Winter has full on hit us. We haven't gotten a break in snow in 6 days. I've only left my house twice in the past week, both times for a job interview. It's not bothering me though. I think I like the idea of this quiet winter to get myself figured out. I've had so much me-time. I'm not completely hating it. I get bored but it's forcing me to find new things to do. I've been reading more, re-playing old video games, music searching/discovering, blogging, article reading, celeb stalking (baha), and chatting with old friends. I am okay with it too because I remember last year in Chicago, I was freezing. Our apartment was so cold and drafty, amazing, but arctic. I just remember staying in bed a whole lot more and being a whole lot worse off. Last winter was kind of the brutal truth that told me I needed to go home and stop pissing away the money i didn't have. I'm here now, and things are good to me. I had a very promising 2nd interview. I don't want to jinx it but I'm ready to take this seriously. I've been thinking about this a lot and I finally feel like I can come to a conclusion. They say how you spend your new years is how you'll spend your year, so let's look at last year. I was super happy on new years, but super indulgent and fucked up. I still love that day but it was probably a good indication of how i spent 2009. Indulgent and fucked up. This new years I had two beers early in the night and then stopped. Mike had a good time and I drove us back to his house, sober. 2010 is about better decisions and I'm excited about it. More bike rides, more chicago, more responsibility.

2009-11-16T21:52:00.000-08:00

Causing infliction, and a piece of identification
Tie up your sutures because tomorrow will not be enough
look around, see them, want what they don't,
breathe how they breathe and eat your last meal.

There is a blank canvas above your head and I usually
don't feel this in the back of my throat.
Settle up with your patriarch and stop asking so many questions.
Papers with scriptures get lost in the wind,
kicking out car doors and falling into dusk.

2009-11-04T22:27:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was somewhere around sixteen

a man who was significantly older than myself told me he had given up on love.

When I asked him why, he told me it had to do with a road block.

I don't have a garage door or a rifle, I am nothing more than unqualified.

I am a large apartment window with shreds of paper throughout it's panes.

What a silly idea, of course, to fall in love.

The shreds flood downwards and your blood pressure rises.

She always felt one thing and him, the other, and

you work late to fight off your pulse.

this is exactly what you needed

2009-10-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

sixteen months of rehab

or what could be known as any type of recovery

this wasn’t different than most others

I picked you up and drowned silently as you slept.

The tremble can be cured but the heartbeat takes so much.

Flip to exhaust and exhale slowly,

Ration your breaths and swallow your sadness.

Only one more thing, to remind you that you’re dead.

2009-10-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

Nostalgia; take the weight each time.
Your contraband came through my bedroom window
I could have sworn it was just the air.
Tonight was one of those nights that you can't decide you love or hate.
When you drive you don't look to your left or right, straight on.
It was a long drive for someone with so much to think about.
Keeping the window cracked to allow the whistle of the air,
anything to remind you that you're alive.

I felt your stare but it hurts too much to return the glance.
I gathered my jacket, allowing my emotions to make their exit.
Heavy Water/I'd rather be sleeping.

just c'mere

2009-10-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

I wanted so badly just to lie down next to him on the couch, to wrap my arms around him and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and I was gawky and he is gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and he was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to where I was and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking if people were rain, I was drizzle and he was a hurricane.

2009-10-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a good one.
I worked from 1-close saturday, drove to cleveland. Got drunk with mike, saw Brendan, Catherine, George, and Kait. Made me real happy.
Sunday, got breakfast with Landon and Mike, went to Spin, Mike bought me a new cog (thanks baby!) afterwards Landon, mike and I went on a ride. New gear ratio felt real different, it's going to take some getting used to. Rode about 25 miles probably. Met up with suzy and her friend which was real good too. It was good to see her, again. Hopefully we'll run into each other more often as she does this Cleveland project she's working on. We rode back, hung out at Brendans with him and Catherine. It was a real good time, until I got really drunk and nervous about driving home and whatnot so we left.. i was sort of paranoid. dumb me.

blatant.

2009-10-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

It landed somewhere in between "Come back home" and your way of saying you missed me.
The strange way that you would laugh at what I'd say. You always played it cool.
They would all giggle about how much we look alike and it was worse for me.
I'd have too much coffee and my body would tremble and you'd never finish your tea.
We'd talked through everything, that night of rainbow wind. Your teeth, they chattered so loud.
I'm looking through a snow globe.

2009-09-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm pinching what's left
holding it together with the only
strength I can conjure.
Your lack of effort here feels cold like
wires in my bed.

I am cleaner now but emptier.
I want this clock to keep the hours rolling.
Maybe trade 60, for something more like 25?
I can see the terminal in my head I can feel the
anxiety in my veins.

I have always wanted to be this brave.

Something crossing

2009-09-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

This beverage of choice soothes the wound.
Everytime I smell that I think of you.
Or, weird. Remember the first time you smelled marijuana?
and you realized you recognized it?
Almost.

In a car there is a lot to think about.
There is a side to driving that,
sometimes I don't prepare well enough for.
It's not really the part of being trapped alone
eating for 3 hours.

How many hours could you spend in a room?
An elephant never forgets.
Tissues filled with your allergens remain crumpled along the bed.
Have I mentioned, you are a saint.

yeah yup.

2009-08-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

I read this today and I liked it.

"When we are in committed relationships and “the excitement of the hunt” and dirty connotation is somewhat taken out of sex, I think we are often left seeing ourselves as we are, our issues spilled on the sheets." - rabbitwrite.com (A good friend of mine's blog, bookmark it.)

2009-08-22T09:58:00.001-07:00

Everyone keeps saying this is your fault.

I just want you to know that my heart is hurting for you and I know you've done nothing wrong.

2009-08-02T21:28:00.001-07:00

I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

Make it home safely

2009-08-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

Go out as soon as you come in.
Leave as soon as you come.
Blow out before you blow further in.

dont forget how that feels
dont forget how that feels
dont forget how that feels

I love you.

I'm so distraught.
I feel like a fish out of water.
I can't breathe like I used to.

lately

2009-07-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

With my lack of motivation, he completed the task.
the real meaning of "have somebody else do it for you."
Then there is the kid that I see everyday walking down the street.
Sans pajama pants.

I sure hope he is doing more than just picking up lunch,
don't fucking judge me.

I've only ever known how to live out of a bedroom.
All this space is a waste and I just want closets.
People with dogs at least have a reason to be lonely.
Their best friends can't speak
and if they did they'd say to shut up.

I like the look of this window but I know that it won't last long.
I'm keeping my look out for you,
the corner of my eye is a sly fox.

Monetary value, oh monetary value!
I secretly love that you're suffering.
It's really the most passive aggressive way I can be hopeful.

I dont usually remember names

2009-06-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

We were strangers without suitcases
trying to make you remember us
painting "black object with red splotch,"
ready to unload our ideas upon a kid

as if water is what we really wanted
when we asked for a glass of it.

Confessing our devotion to resemblances
on the yellow break dance charts
that we studied by candlelight
like toys caught reading

their own directions.

there are things you should keep to yourself

2009-06-07T23:55:00.000-07:00

I’m somewhere in Indiana, along the border of Ohio, sitting on a bench. Staring out at the bars of semi trucks and charts of clouds, I’ve got twenty more minutes until I can leave again for Chicago. This ride has been exceptionally boring because I cannot sleep. I just keep taking drags from this cigarette, outside of this getaway. I feel like I’m looking at the cover of a book.

half of me would rather

run than get

back onto that bus.

down for a round

2009-05-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

wade through the macaroni salad
and piece of glass on the tile floor.
You keep repeating, "this is all my fault."
With all of my strength, I am hollering. You
can't hear me, nothing new.

The echo of your footsteps make me fetal.

where'd we come from anyway?

2009-05-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Drunk, I kissed the moon
where it stretched on the floor.
I'd removed happiness from a green bottle,
both sipped and gulped
just as a river changes it's mind,
mostly there was a flood in my mouth.

because I wanted to love the toaster
as soon as possible, and the toothbrush
with multi-level bristles
created by dental science, and the walls
holding pictures in front of their faces
to veil the boredom of living.

direct

2009-05-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

i think it might be about time to call it quits. i think.

I am sick of loving you.

2009-05-04T01:21:00.000-07:00

Excuse me.
Stirring the grounds in my coffee.
Nothing dissolves and we always have a parking space.
A blue-collar nightmare.
Because I see my life in street signs.
A plane mistaken for a star.

Tree limbs dangle like fingers
And this street leads me to home.
Maybe I should go now.
Walk away in delirium like once before.
It takes none of your effort.
This feeling eruption.

It's only things that you should want to do.
These are the "square one's."
Don't feel dried up.
I want to expand and then explode.
You're my favorite thing by far.

There is a tornado inside of my body. It's sending shards through my veins and striking my nerves. I am having a hard time not looking back.

newwen

2009-05-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

I've been this way for almost all my life.
Wasn't born here, mom and me moved here when I was five.
These Kansas City boys, as dull as butter knives.
I've had this little car since I was 17.
The tape is busted, got a boombox in my backseat.
Blasting Misfits all up and down these streets.
Just stay the same.
Never change.

The Collins kids and KC all leave in the fall.
They don't have time for letters or long distance calls.
Well, friends who leave and friends dead to me.
Mom's been sick now for a long time.
She said she hopes I'll want a family after she has died.
She says the less you feel like a child, the more you want a child.
Just stay the same.
Never change.

I was the one with the world at my feet

2009-04-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

This song was playing in my dream last night

I keep having really crazy dreams. I dont usually dream. I guess it's because i haven't been falling asleep drunk like i usually do.
Or in other people's homes like I usually do. I've been sleeping in my own bed, alone. The way things should be. Not with mike, not with marissa and bob, not with margaret, not with lena and rachel. My old cuddle partners.

Except I've been having bad dreams sometimes. Ones that make me wake up scared and anxious and then I have trouble falling back asleep. I was late for the megabus to go home (something i've been longing to do for a while now), I fell asleep on the blue line and ended up in forest park where some guy kept following me and trying to touch my ass (urgh, really?), then you were sleeping at her house and for some reason you had the nerve to call my dad and ask him to come get you. When I confronted you with it, you didn't even bother to show me you were sorry. You just kept acting like it wasn't a big deal and I was being the crazy one. I didn't want to tell you I was done but I needed to be.

I don't want to get so deep.

"What it is and when it stops, nobody knows. You gave me this life, I never chose. I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go."

thank you and have a blessed day

2009-04-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

still hyping the new papercuts, hard.

"Yeah Alaina, my alcohol tolerance is pretty ridiculous these days, I actually hate it. I consume like what... 160 calories in each beer and I have like 25 a night. It's like oh hey! I just ate 3 loafs of bread."

"Yeah, well you could just barf at the end of the night before you fall asleep.. prob help with a hangover too."

"Yeah but throwing up alcohol is so terrible for your esophagus. Don't you remember throwing up liquor at some point and just feeling like you threw up fireballs? I mean, i wouldn't really complain if i was throwing up fireballs. I'd gladly accept that.. in fact I would do that, and then move to the Himalayas and just practice shooting fireballs for a really long time. I'd get good and then I'd come back and be a CIA agent and just commit a bunch of crimes but cover them up by burning the evidence with my fireballs.

"Sorta of dexter style."

"um.. yeah but alaina, dexter can't shoot fireballs. I'd still marry him though."

(it was almost as if me and him were at home driving in my car really baked and just having this conversation.

it's important to know

2009-04-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

the new papercuts album is so amazing. It's dreamy, all analog sound arrived just in time to maybe be my first favorite summertime album.

i cant wait for you much longer

2009-04-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

i didn't realize how much i had left behind or how much i had lost.

i'm thinking so much about all of this now while all of the emotional things that have slipped my mind are being thrown back at me.

i sometimes think i cant breathe and i dont actually know what makes me happy anymore.
i dont even know what it's like to feel my own emotions. i dont know what is healthy for me.
i dont know what i should be doing. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i dont know whether i should sip anymore of this beer. i dont know if i should...

2009-03-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

We are vagabonds that travel with our seat belts on.
Though we are always close to death.

Homeless village where the bridge goes over Ashland.

2009-03-18T20:49:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I complete my routine and sometimes I don't.
Defying what's expected on the tip of your tongue, I don't stray far.
Maybe it's the aftermath of all of the "last night's."

I'm one year closer, two decades in.
I still haven't figured out what I'm supposed to be doing this for.
They say people that lack religion, lack the drive to live well.
I think they just haven't learned to make themselves happy within themselves.

1 in every 11 minutes spent online is on social networking sites.
hold on, I just barfed on my cup and saucer.
Can we learn what real communication is?
As I stared at the reflection in the glass, my eyes quickly shifted to the cup, which remained empty still.
I kept going for it and then remembered what the inside of it looked like.
A white cat eating vanilla ice cream in a snowstorm.

Oh hey, I'm alive!

2009-03-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today I did something that made me feel human again.

A guy came into the restaurant and I could tell he was a bit under the influence. I had noticed him standing outside earlier in the day and wondered what he was doing because he had been out there for over an hour. He finally walked in and inquired about a pay phone. I told him we didn't have one but to check the BP across the street. He just looked at me, disheartened. I always get awkward, so I just started talking.. trying to think of what I could do for him. So I found out, it was just a local call so I let him use the restaurant's phone for a minute. I felt so bad for the man because he was trying to get ahold of his wife to come pick him up. He barely spoke english and just kept thanking me over and over and asked me to dial the number for him. There was no answer the first time so he made me call back right away. I called and this time a woman answered so I handed him the phone. When he was finished with the phone call, he kept insisting that he pay the restaurant for the phone call because he was so thankful that we had let him use it. I told him not to worry about it and he told me I was the first person to do him a favor in over two years and I helped to "refresh his opinion of humanity." He left two dollars on the counter and just simply said "Tip. Thank you."

easiest two dollars i've ever made and it made me feel good.

Not a big deal, just something that stuck with me.

Oh and then two black dudes came in, placed their order then asked me to hold off for a minute before putting it in because they were going to have a smoke. The one dude winked at me and was like "we're gonna smoke dope." I laughed because these dudes were like 45. I just said "Enjoy yourselves. I'll put it in in a couple." They came in, ate, and paid. After they left, I walked over to bus their table and i found my tip money in a napkin along with a joint. HAHA. They left me 3 bucks and a j.... life is so funny.

this song is going to be my jam of spring

2009-03-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

My shadow and me forever will be, all alone.
a necklace for me of chemistry, take me home.
eat my way out of the mess I made, all alone.
Now it's just me vs. the pharmacy, take me home.

Big bills, tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills, up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I turn the tables, turn the tables
Turn the tables round
With big bills, tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills, go up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I'm gonna knock you up
and knock you up
and knock you down

My shadow and me forever will be, all alone
A necklace for me of chemistry, take me home
Delete my emails and silence my calls
Cause I can't explain but send a postcard
Across the world so you can't complain

and what a debate, do you still know my full name?

2009-03-04T20:08:00.000-08:00

Let's hear you laugh without oxygen, world!

You've been holding on to make a point, well what's the point?
Cause I took it like a grown man, lying on the pavement
I haven't heard a thing you've said, in at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?
I never wanna hear the truth, cause your voice it sounded fine.

I can feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I will sleep alright.
I realized then that you were perfect.
And I felt love again.

i must of done a dozen

2009-02-24T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm working on that.
It's the outline; not like the outline of a state or the outline of some research project.
The outline of being human. All the lines and tubes and concrete pieces.
It's what we are, but god knows you don't know a lot about that. I could help.
Well, probably not.
I overlooked it and I'm pretty sure it's not worth any time or effort on my part.

It's just you're unrealistic and hedonistic and I'm here working on all the opposite forces.
You don't dare, then you tell me I'm self-absorbed.
This routine is getting stale. You might have been right because I'm not sure how I feel.

There's no sight to see.

loved you more than everything
loved you more than anything
loved anything more than everything.

hysteric.

2009-02-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

we are only as stable as a chair with it's screws loose.
Let's pretend we've got it worked out.
I know we are real good at pretending.

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
you suddenly complete me.

I DONT KNOW IF THE WORLD KNOWS HOW GODDAMN GOOD THE NEW BLACK LIPS IS!

2009-02-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

JESUS FUCXKING CHRIST. (<--- best typo ever. keepin it.)

IT DONT MATTA WHAT THEY SAY
YOU CANT BE THE JACK JOHNSTON OF TODAY
BIG BLACK BABY JESUS ON THE WAY
MY ONLY JESUS OF TODAY

C'MON
DO IT DO IT TODAY
BIG BLACK JESUS ON THE WAY!

IT DONT MATTA WHAT THEY SAY

I really miss playing softball.

2009-02-11T17:54:00.000-08:00

It's the idea of tug of war.
Up and down and a "Thank you" in between.
I'm begging you to just tell me.

It's sticky like every situation you've ever gotten yourself into.

I feel like I'm not on the same page anymore. Was I ever?
I want to extend my position on the fact that you never put out much of an effort.
I waited for so long and I swear that one night I called your name three times,
and you didn't hear me. Maybe you just did a great job of ignoring me.

You're probably not as bad, as I make you out to be.

it wasn't quite time for the brain's chance at explosion.

2009-02-11T16:34:00.001-08:00

has anyone seen "my life without me"?

I don't know how she is ready.
I always knew she'd be the one to end up like them.

I had a bad dream, it's gonna make you go.
If I do find a phone in my pocket, and things you don't know.
I pulled out the phone, still black with blood, still.
I knew just where it came from, remembered the kill.
If you had not lived it is not true.
I, forever haunted by god and you.

You came back alive.
When you should have been dead.
The shavings of skin, shot through me.
The bottle dying.
With all of my love, I wished you back dead.
Ghosts and rocks and fingers, read all in my head.
You never are just what you seem.
The fight lasts my sleep, and so I dream.

I had a bad dream, it's gonna make you go.
Of all of the blood by the wall.
And things you don't know.

it's like a bra, that doesn't hold your tits.

2009-02-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

I won't sing your algebra.
I won't sing anything, oh.
I won't sing your alphabet.
I won't sing anything, oh.
I won't sing hilarious, as I hum.
I hum, I hum, a-ha.

I probably shouldn't have dosed it.

A cathedral sick of the sky again.
I'll tell you what I mean by that, maybe not in seconds flat, maybe not today. (probably never)

Your pop culture descriptions make me want to fucking barf, by the way.
It's not real. It's all everything you motherfuckers see on the outside and quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
When you learn what real writing is, call me and we can maybe talk.
But probably not, because at that point you will have used up all your goddamn excuses and all your fake cries for wolf.

How many more times can i tell you?
How many more times can i pick up my telephone?
How many more times can I avoid phone calls from bill collectors?
How many more times can I get by without paying rent?
?

THIS IS FUCKING FOREVER.
I always said this song would be the one.
The one who wouldn't save me.
I was wrong about it, the first time I felt anything.
Are you sitting down?

You've been here for 13 minutes and I want you to fucking leave.
I'm pushing everything good out of my life.
I can't be reminded.

I'm going to find my old rock before anything serious happens.
I need to say goodbye, I never got a chance to.
Just couldn't get things right.

Sun down, run down.

2009-02-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

on the back porch i sat down and on the stoop and i looked out over the railing
the rocks were assorted, all stained with mud.
i felt lifted. I guess as long as the sun is shining we should all be on our best behavior.
Isn't that right?

Everything makes me a dance machine and it's this time of the year for all the best exchanges.
I'm going to the chapel and I'm...

We are all broken pieces, I am a broken man.
I don't know if that's how your lyrics go.
I will assume; I enjoy them quite the same.
Give me that drum beat, 1, 2, 3, 4.

The extended use of our technology means nothing more than a message sent to the sky.
I dont have time for your aftermath.
I will probably take part of your eulogy and call it my own.

There is so much good happening across this universe at this exact time and place.
I am going to purchase a one way ticket to one of three places in the next 3 days.
Prices won't go up and I won't bring down.
I just don't care anymore.
Is there something wrong with that?
I don't want to call you one bit. i know I need to do that though and if I don't I won't be as disappointed.
I wish I could walk the sidewalk and watch all the cracks form as I stride down the street, sly as a fox.

You are to the crazy level and I'm hanging out at ground zero.
I'm dying for some goddamn noise.
When did the clock strike? Did you make sure I was oblivious?
You should have, it would have been smart.

Press "Pause".

good work, clyde.

2009-02-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

Take me home

Eat my way out of the

Mess I made

All alone

Now it's just me

Against the pharmacy

Take me home

With big bills

Tucked in my sweater now

Cold chills

Go up my spine and down

I've got no problems now

Passive aggressive now

I'm gonna knock you up

and knock you up

and knock you down

definitley not me.

2009-02-10T18:56:00.001-08:00

your melody is soft and sweet.
but unfortunately those weren't yours to keep.
sometimes you get things and have to give them back,
I'm really not ready to fully unpack.

I'm also not ready to close the eyes.
Sometimes things happen and one relies,
on your gracious smile and fantastic romance.
You can't even give her a second or one slight glance.

This is nothing new for me and you
but somehow you knew it would be true
that the end would come slow
and i would only shrink, in the snow.

i hate you.

it's not me

2009-02-09T22:43:00.000-08:00

Ive been searching this town
And all I have found
Are nights of bad sex
With stupid boyfriends I shouldn't have kept
In a stupid flat I never swept

So taxi take me away
The sullen students and corner cafes

All the rain on the day that you died
I've never seen the reservoir so high
I guess this is as close as it gets to goodbye

When she decided she was through with love...

2009-02-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

No exaggeration necessary.

The sound of your street name leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.
But I am going to forget to fall apart today.

The snow fell hard from five to five

You had to drink to stay alive

But you were hoping it would kill you too

At least you'd have something changing you

Cause you were cold as the ice at your front door

You raised a trembling glass and shouted, "Fuck the war!"

And then you fell into oblivion

Lying on your bed with your shoes on

the morning news

2009-02-05T12:52:00.001-08:00

I'm waiting for him to get out of bed.
I'm waiting for him to get out of bed so we can eat.
It's a short walk to the diner and they say it won't be as cold today.
My mind starts to wander and I'm wondering if I should swallow anything.
Everything used to have such an effect but now it's all starting to wane.

I'm going to give him ten more minutes.
Maybe this is the self-absorption he had spoken about?
He never said it directly, but I knew just what he meant
when he opened his mouth and out came the alphabet soup of words, to break my heart.
It didn't break my heart. Nothing ever will.
It broke my stride, for about 45 minutes.
I took my elbows and pushed them hard into the pavement.
I pulled the weight off of me and straightened my legs to be tall again.

I am in the dire search for consistency. I'm not sure what the appeal is of all these females on their beds? I think everyone could dance.
The mutual understanding between a lady and a man is obviously never quite there.

Sickness will always take a toll on us. We must keep going and not let it slow us down. I can't count the amount of days that I have not wanted to move in the slightest from my warm cocoon. If you don't you will suffer even greater.

It is a good idea to interact with the city in which you live. My roommate brought up a very valid point regarding driving in the city. Those who drive all the time are missing out on a very important part of the everyday city life, interacting with the city itself. Those people who never take the trains or buses never really see the other folks that live here too. They miss out on the poverty, they miss out on the underground subway art, they miss out on the human interaction. I'm curious now as to what defines a city.

I think I hear movement upstairs. Is he finally going to come down and eat with me? I'm finally getting too much high because I got bored while waiting. I think he really might be ready now. So many of my days start out like this. Waking up, Mike goes to work, I make some funny comment about how someone has to pay the bills, I fall back asleep in his bed, Marc comes downstairs and askes me to go get food with him. Sometimes he asks if I want coffee. We sit around, watch the weather channel, talk about learning french, clean the house. Then I go home. It's so quiet in this house in the morning.

"Imagine all the terrain, between your ear and your other ear"

2009-01-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

sometimes what you write is so happy and other times it's so gloomy.
You can't quite make up your mind, can you?
"I don't know what you want me to do?"

I'm back on top, so why does it always have to be about Eric's trip?
The sleeve of my hooded sweatshirt was soaking wet from perspiration.
I need to stop being a nervous wreck and take a minute to get this shit gathered.
Hunter/Gatherer, ha!
It really is quite that simple. I'm only 22 minutes from freezing.
Or is it my boiling point?

I am already freezing in my apartment. When I go outside, I'm immune.

you are all chapters in my book

2009-01-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

they say the third time is a charm.

Long-lost friend #1

I saw that photo of you today and it reminded me of why I thought you were so interesting. So solemn, yet with a sense of humor so parallel to mine. It's funny how we talked about the way we felt on one of your last nights in town. Everyone else in the room was just sitting by, having their own important discussions on whatever it is they thought was worth a breath or two. We both laughed about it. It's not like it wasn't obvious the entire time. We laughed about the time we sat under the stairs club house style. I felt like I was 9 years old again and I won't lie, I miss the feeling. We played frisbee in the alley way and we didn't have to wear jackets. We played frisbee quite a bit, before I started working so much. I can't remember the name of the girl that was with us, but i remember being surprised at her generosity. We walked out on the pier and that guy was doing yoga so close to us. We smoked weed anyways. I remember thinking in my head that this was the exact reason I came to this city in the first place. I needed to find good friends to share beautiful experiences with. I looked at the cityscape and I couldn't believe I was really there. The first time we hung out, you bought my beers. I thought your last name was something other than what it was. I feel so guilty because I only knew you for such a short time. You've been one of the people I think of most when I think of Chicago.

Long-lost friend #2

I miss smoking bowls with you after work. I hate that you have fallen off the face of the Earth. I remember when I first started that job, you would come back to the fitting room and talk to me for as long as you could get away with. The day you came into hair fairies with Drennen, we made plans to smoke because we both got off at the same time. We ended up walking to Oz Park and sitting on top of the only hill in the park. We watched a man with long red hair, jog up and down the park with no shirt on. He was as pale as a sheet of paper and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Then we saw those kids chasing after their miniature dogs. There was an older man standing just a few yards away from us and you looked at him so sincerely. I saw your smile slowly slip off your face and I didn't really know what to say. I was still trying to sort out what you were feeling when you said aloud, "He probably misses his family." It was that exact moment that I knew why I felt like I understood you. We are both better at feeling other people's emotions better than we are at feeling our own. That man was doing nothing more than watching kids play with their dogs and we both thought of the sadness that only we could see in his eyes. You're a Pisces too. You used to give me rides home from work a lot. We would smoke out of an apple if we didn't have the proper equipment. The night that your car wouldn't start too. I really can't believe you don't talk to me anymore.

I hate that I've been lumped into that group. After that happened between you and her, you stopped coming around completely. We used to ride up and down the waterfront on our bikes, taking breaks to smoke on the rocks. You said something about the lake being so misleading. When you're there you felt like you could be anywhere and then you have to come back to the painful realization that it's just not fathomable. You would always take my thoughts straight from my head and say them to me. It would help me to put things into focus. I don't feel bad about not going back to Columbia because of you. I remember hearing your phone conversation with your sister about your parents christmas gift. Your brave honesty was another thing that always made me respect you. You weren't really ever ashamed. You were and still are one of the most down to earth people I know. I just hate that you never call. I know you're back with your old girlfriend and that's great! I just know how controlling she used to be and I feel like that's the reason we will never see you. I hope you move to New York though, or Florida.. I know you've talked about both places quite a bit.

droppin' da steel curtain

2009-01-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

we all write.

It's so funny how as humans we are okay with dumping our emotions out onto paper or some random social networking site, or some space in the world wide web we can call our own. Yet, we can't even look each other square in the eyes and say how we really feel. Will we always be so embarrassed by the way our minds work? I can't worry about what you all will think. I know deep down we are all human and we all have error. This is the error of a lifetime.

Thank you so much for your hospitality, everyone.

I feel like it's to the point that everything that I used to think was vital to my life is suddenly not important. I guess I've left myself with no other choice.
I'm about 4 days away from getting sucked back into the whirlwind and I guess I've got to be ready for it. I touched his hand, even though I shouldn't have.

I'm writing a letter for the future. I'm going to save it for whenever I get the adequate amount of information. I should write a letter to the future.

PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL AGAIN.
(i feel like i need to plan a trip home that weekend)

i dont give a shit about sports, who am i kidding?

young girls, young boys

2009-01-18T15:47:00.000-08:00

make better use of your surroundings
I guess that's what they say is important.

you are standing on the edge of the couch and youre falling into the crack of the cushions.
furniture standing used to be your expertise. when did you start failing at such a simple task?

this is really not about furniture at all.
For I am not a shelf!
Don't take your time with any sort of apology.
I'm not really receptive to that sort of thing.

This floor shows stains but not as well as my shirt. (by shirt, i mean heart.)
I've got this knack or making the most of a terrible time.
This is a horrendous time and again, I'm failing at something I am usually oh so good at.

I guess you could say the hours are the real problem. Isn't that what we are all fighting for anyways?
More hours. More hours in a day, more hours of sleep, more hours at work, more hours to live.
It's all exactly the same.
It doesn't matter where you are or who you are there with.
It's all about you and what you will do.

the lottery is depressing

2009-01-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

I got an email back within 4 hours. The only type of response I could conjure up was, "They are about to hate me."
Of course, I thought of something else and responded back appropriately. In the back of my mind, it's repeating over and over again.

On the other end of the phone, she turned my disappointment into jealousy.
But, I wasn't even jealous.
I don't even care that they talk about you more often. I don't care that they are all really happy for you and the choices you've made in your life.
I'm sorry that it's not the way I've chosen to live mine.
You said it earlier, we are two different people.
What I cared about was that you left us all hanging.
Don't accuse me of feeling other emotions. Don't say that's the reason I'm calling you out. Don't say I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me. We all know better. I'm the one that thanks everyone 17,000 times for everything anyone does for me.
None of you owe me anything and it's time you realize I owe you nothing in return.
You put words in my mouth today. Those words ended up hurting someone's feelings.
Thanks for that, too. I guess.
I shouldn't be ungrateful but I feel terrible that there was a dinner for you, for your birthday.
Your mother spend 3 hours making you your favorite kind of dessert, hoping we could celebrate your birthday before you leave, as a family. The first and maybe last time we will all be together again, since we've both left.
You didn't come home. You went out to eat after I heard you say first hand you would be home saturday evening to have dinner with us. She planned this fucking dinner for 5 days. Asking me everyday what I thought she should cook for you. She couldn't decide between your favorites. When you asked her if she cared, she said no. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY!? As her kid, you are supposed to want to be there for dinner. She wants you to want to come. She doesnt want you to come out of fucking pity. I don't know what's so fucking hard to understand about that. Maybe I really am just good at picking up on human emotion through body language but I feel like that's an unwritten rule we all understand. When you called her back and said I yelled at you, she said it was okay and that it didnt matter to her and that she'd see you in the morning. So tomorrow morning I'm going to have to smile and pretend to go along with the fact that it's okay that you blew us off. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not calling any of you. When you told her what I said, she said it was because my feelings were hurt that everyone wanted to see you and no one asked about me. She said it was because I'm 500 dollars in debt and dad told me he couldn't help me, so I called you out of anger. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I just wanted to scream on the other end of the phone THAT'S NOT TRUE. I dont want help from anyone. I left on my own and I'm doing this on my own. I don't care who calls and wants to see you. If I was worried about that I would have kissed their asses like you did growing up. It's just sad, and I'm sorry.
(I really can't believe I just exploded like that on a fucking blog. That was the biggest outpour of emotions I've felt in months.)

I'm here for another 14 hours and the worst part about being here is not really wanting to stay, but not really wanting to go.

What do you do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere?

stop selling me your culture!

2009-01-08T00:06:00.000-08:00

“ I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."
—Trent Reznor, Rolling Stone

Trent, on my home town.

Maybe this is the problem.

(that last line hits hard)

2008-12-25T22:20:00.000-08:00

When your lips touched the surface of mine
Sometimes the smoke would slowly crawl from
the corners of your mouth. What an exciting way to kiss
somebody, or to be kissed! We always tried to make the
most of those twenty dollar bills and the limited amount
of heat from the floor vents.

I can't keep clearing them out.
I know it's unacceptable but I'm accepting it.
I could have used that sixty dollars.
Maybe they just don't understand how bad this really is?
Maybe no one does?
I can't talk about it, I'd rather question if this is really happening.
I haven't thought about it in complete.
I've resorted to living this out and not worrying about whatever is to come.
Credit. What does that mean?
I can't pretend that I care with the state of our current system.
it's not working, we all know better.

He was neurotic. I can't blame him.
I'm neurotic. This is crazy. Sometimes I start to feel like I might honestly be able to comprehend this state we're in. Then, I'm smack down to the ice. Or the floor, whichever comes first. I hope you love this. I really hope it's everything you've ever wanted or dreamed of. I'm sort of dying. I'm sort of dying and have been since the day I was born. that's the problem. I've always been on the edge of the surface. i know the edge today. I've never felt so strong about the situation. My dad understand, he hated it. He knew he had to understand or that was the end. It could possibly be too late already. Know one can really ever know.

Why are you always laughing? everyone know it's not really funny.
It wouldn't be funny. Without you? Maybe.

people are so funny

2008-12-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

so today, i'm minding my business and my mom and dad's good friend (who is currently living with us) comes home drunk.
He walks upstairs to where I am sitting and says, "So, I know your mind is probably fucked up cause you're bored."
I looked at him and replied, "Nah, I'm straight. I've been sitting at home all night.. nothing too exciting."
He unzips his pocket and pulls out something metal. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Do you want to hit this?"
I turned him down.

BUMMER. can I invent a time machine that throws me back ten minutes ago?

2008-12-18T19:07:00.000-08:00

awakening is the American horror.
we smile, kiss the ground in
an instant. Allow you to write,
the ground lines for me are farther
than those. Euphoria in a basket.

the truth is, I miss you.

2008-12-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

There was a day when I used to get what I deserved.
Tonight while I stood in the cold I kept thinking back to the summer after I graduated. Although not so long ago, some parts of that entire time frame still slip my mind. I'm very terrible about keeping running logs of what I do with my life. My memory constantly fails me but I remember wanting to remember. I wanted to be able to look back and think about every experience I had and feel it inside my body. Almost as if I could put myself in that particular situation at any given moment, it could happen just by closing my eyes. I am blessed with a vivid photographic memory. I should use it more often.

The back roads made a patchwork quilt across the county and I was the seamstress. Those days, we were unhygienic and lonesome. We looked for every excuse to leave our homes and drive to the same convenience stores everyday. I would waste the energy and drive to your house. We would turn around and weave our path back to our county seat. They always told us we should be proud of that building in the center of the square. I never remembered it bringing my family any type of good. Visual pleasure does not equal worth. Shut your eyes before they wander too far.

Your dog had puppies and I would spend days watching them play together. I remember peyote vomiting and feeling so warm under the sun's ray. I opened my car door the second my phone rang. I didn't hesitate to tell him, yes, of course I would pick them up. We went to the training camp for the Pittsburgh Steelers. St. Vincent College.

Sometimes I just want to call you and start screaming.
I would only scream:
"LIVE IN TRAILERS WITH NO CLASS
GODDAMN I HOPE I CAN PASS, HIGH SCHOOL MEANS NOTHING
AND I SHOUT THAT YOU'RE ALL FAKES
AND YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
WHEN COMPARING YOUR BELLY ACHES
AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
WHICH AGRESS WITH THIS WATCH OF MINE
AND I KNOW THAT I MISS YOU
AND I'M SORRY IF I DISSED YOU."

it would have to be me, you and zach. We would have to be standing in your basement next to the keg and the chairs. Do you remember the "senior party" and all the pictures your mom used to make us take? I want to walk into your den and see you guys all sitting around with controllers in your hands, wearing the classiest suit jackets I've ever seen.
I want to see Nebula, or whatever name you guys decided to give her in the end. I'm going to save up money for a dragonfly and I will practice.

Summer was about interstate 79 and horseshoes. We would get into the vehicle and I'd reach for the chord. You'd pick what we listened to by grunting every time I choose something that wasn't to your liking. It was a straight shot and sometimes we'd take route 19. Cops were worse sometimes but it was less congested. I would always get anxious and fidget with the window controls, never knowing whether the sunroof would prove to be a great or terrible idea.

One time that I came over, you told me to come to your side window and we would escape like secret agents. I came down the highway and made the left turn into your driveway. I pulled up the emergency brake, just one click, and turned my lights off. Continued to slowly drive up your street, all the way into your driveway. I carefully shut my door and started running over to the side of your house. I could see you sitting in the window and you parents sitting with Gunner, on the couch in the living room. You were probably playing DOD. I tripped over the boulders in your side yard, I never knew you had such terrain located on the side of your home. I finally balanced on stable ground and found a couple great stones. I started tossing them towards your window, you finally caught on that this was the signal. You looked out the window and motioned to the driveway with the most serious face I've ever seen you give. I took off running and got into the car. You escaped down your back stairs in the kitchen, to your basement. I saw you flick the light on in the basement and a few seconds later you were opening my passenger door. We pulled out of the driveway in a haste and smoked a bowl. All of that, to just go for a cruise around good old grove city. That's why you were(are) my best friend. We made everything into some kind of adventure, even if it was the most simple of operations . I really wish I wouldn't have lost as many of the videos as I have over the years. I used to have such a collection of our antics on my old computer. New Years, when you told me I couldn't get excited about moving to Chicago because it was the saddest story you've ever heard and you didn't want to hear it anymore. You guys kept saying you were leaving and no one ever knew how serious you were. I would drag you to the library every day during study hall. We would sit in the round chairs and secretly steal ads out of the periodicals. Mrs. Furey would get so angry with us and threaten to kick us out. She never really would although, the aide, whose name I don't remember (I still hate her), would try to draw the cut off right before we got to sign in. Ugh, and to think I was a library cadet.

i think of you the most when i hear dramamine.

I've got a bottle of Clairol Volume 20 developer and a knife that says, "What's up?"

2008-12-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

dayum.
mother nature just released her wrath upon chicago
and of course, it's the day I forget my keys to my house.

So... I had to stand outside for about an hour and 45 minutes, waiting for a cab to pick me up and take me to Starbucks to borrow Jovanni's keys.
Ugh, 10 dollar mistake. 10 dollars or frostbite. Part of me thinks frostbite is more worth it.

I forgot how much I enjoy Rainer Maria.

Slam to the back of your head, you've never been here before.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Slam to your chest, like a curtain hits the floor.
How can you deal with that kind of information?

Make amends, let's make amends.
What makes a man?

I'm being passive agressive but I can't deal with the sound of their feet.
Speaking of feet, mine feel soggy.

I just got the sensation that everything was a good idea. Are what you living what you feel?
Are you aware of the hole you've dug? Where are your priorities?

This is going to be a Smith's kind of winter.

2008-12-08T14:38:00.000-08:00

At worse you'll be left so admirably.
You can't figure out what you're missing,
and you're twenty-two minutes late according to their clocks.
Constant petitioning for a thought from the other end. Please, don’t drown me.
This wave of emotion is set to cripple and I'm fragile at my seams.

"Can't go with my heart, when I can't feel what's in it. I thought you'd come over, but for some reason you didn't. Glass on the pavement under my shoe. Without you is all my life amounts to."

You are leaving a trail of sparks and I'm carrying enough gasoline to burn this whole city down.
Let it slip away at the shoreline. Let me slip away at the shoreline.

He was neurotic anyways.

travel

2008-12-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

My whole life I’ve been numb, but never as numb as I felt last night.
I considered the problems of falling asleep at the wheel while my chest wheezed. The room smelled like fresh laundry but the smoke lingered in the air. I’m supposed to leave in 15 minutes. This room is so innocent in some ways. Not so much in others. I feel like I was very mature for my age at the start of all of this, but I made some mistakes and this room saw the truth of everything. I came here and in this bedroom I developed my identity. I live in the stage of responsibility. Responsibility and freedom together can be hard to balance out. I look around my room and so many of my general interests have started to stray from me. It’s like I’ve developed this whole other side of myself. My roots are all still the same, but I feel crazy. There is so much I forget about until I come here. I forget how fun some of these people can be and how much love I have from my parents. I forgot how good it feels to run errands with my mom in the evening, or how great it feels to sit on the couch beside my dad and watch mind-numbing sitcoms. I forget how good it is to see my dog again; she’s not going to be around much longer. I keep waking up and panicking, like I’m supposed to be at work and I’ve overslept. I wake up in a strange place and look around and then realize where I am. I realize I can sleep until whenever I want. There are three spots for light bulbs in my ceiling fan and for the first time in my life, there are three light bulbs filling their spots. My room feels so much brighter than it ever has before.

I never see the city anymore

2008-12-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

my back is severely knotted. It's not just knots, it's mountains.
The heat works now and it's giving me a sore throat.
I should try wearing more than leggings for the rest of my life.
So what did you do on your day off?
"I smoked weed and then pranced around in minimal clothing, while the thermostat read 77. I could have sworn it was no warmer than 45. My toes are frozen and if I keep prancing, I might step too hard and crack them. This cut on my foot is gaping, oozing, shit."

The heater in my room might blow me away, or at least to Africa.
The stars and the moons encompass my body when I get out of the shower in the morning.
It helps to ease me into the everyday grind of cab rides and folding boards.
Making less than you're spending and it's your own goddamn fault.
THEN JOVANNI CAME HOME! ON THE TELEPHONE.
"you have to meet him, he's amazing. I want to show my family like, 'Hey, I'm gay, but I've got this really amazing person in my life and it's really important that you meet him!'
Isn't that what we are all secretly trying to say?
I'm going to stick with exploding. Something has escaped me for a brief period of time and I'm scared and I don't want to forget that.
Exploding used to be right next to my pillow and blanket in my comfort zone. My hair is blowing around and I feel like I am in the back seat of my mother's car again. My chest feels tight and my lungs are struggling. I gasp for air and it's just a warm placebo. Is grey really the color that's there after you're gone?

you are asexual, like Steven Patrick Morrissey.
"He knows so much about these things."

MY IPOD ISN'T STOLEN. yay!
However, there is still an eyelash in my eye and I can't get it out.

"I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now.
I'll keep my mouth kept shut, under lock and key that's rusted from no lie.
Cause all these conversations whine, on and on, on and on."
^^^^^
pathetic.

All the things you said can be terminated with the hit of a switch.
Sometimes I make up my own rules of grammar. MLA format, my assssssssss. Dunzo.
it's dot. dot. dot. comma, dot.
She just opened her door and is going to comment on high I am looking and acting. My mom would always stop mid-sentence while talking to me and just say "blah blah blah... and you are so goddamn high right now.. look at you, haha you little asshole." I would just giggle and stare at the computer screen. I have no space to alleviate all of this. There are just things everywhere.
It's been a while since I've had that sensation run through my legs. It's been since the school bus. The Jetta chronicles. It was my bubble and my bedroom. I have definitely slept in that car before; afraid to go home because I knew I was going to get yelled at. I never really did though; I'd go home when I'd finally get scared I was going to get arrested again.

Destructive.

Note to self:
Song for all the young casanovas and casanovettes
Spring and by summer fall
Don't ever fall in love

yessir.

"Jason Quever called. He said stop singing his songs."

2008-11-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

"you don't have a choice, it's encoded in your voice
& everything you say makes it ten times worse."

There is no heat here. The last time I checked it was 52 degrees Fahrenheit.
My fingers are stiff and also feel like jell-o. Try to imagine that!
We paid the bill on time! I paid over $150 on my own.
Ugh, I'm miserable. I thought I figured out how to fix it because it kicked on, turns out it's blowing cold air.
Worse.

At one point, I resorted to plugging in my hair dryer and warming my hands and feet with it on occasion.

Will call tomorrow.

Pennsylvania? - Unsuccessful.

ps. lain, no more taxis this pay period!

2008-11-22T16:02:00.001-08:00

We're taking it on.
Why don't we take all our weekends in the fall, at the same time.
All in all, you're still up pacing every evening, wall to wall.
And I'm left with mine.
Walking away when you know there's nothing, talking away at the pavement like you always did, and always will.
And it's getting old, why don't we take all the weekdays we can hold in a city.
I don't know, if it's easier to run when things go wrong and begin again.

Walking away when you know there's nothing, talking away at the pavement like you always did, and always will.
What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?

The autobiography of an ostrich

2008-11-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

$0892270022 does not work for the connection
“My grandfather was part of a guerilla warfare group”
I thought the two of them were in this together.
To my surprise, I turned around and saw you.
It’s getting harder to “rise and shine” when it’s dark at 6pm.
The next 15 minutes will define me as a student.
The next hour will define me as a person.
I am not an ostrich. I am a brick wall.
She should know better than to pull a fast one.
Testosterone is close to consuming those walls.
I’m not very concerned about the vibe, I’m going to give her what I’ve been promising.
I need to do the same for my own father.
“You know that I expect people to hold up their end of the bargain. So stand true to your word, Alaina.”
In terms of being parallel, I wish I could play stupid.
Don’t forget about health!
It’s only been this cold out for a couple days and I forgot what it’s like to have cold hands. I guess I had better get used to this, it will be months before my fingers aren’t stiff anymore.

My teacher, Virginia Atkinson, has a Logan Square doppleganger.
I need to start returning phone calls.
I’ve been taking steps towards being a better person and being better to people.
I was disgusted at how accurate that story was.
I couldn’t believe that things like that can happen.
It’s nowhere near it's end.
It’s getting easier not to call.

It’s finally the appropriate month for that song!
We’re 8 days away from what could be a melt down.
This is an economic meltdown. It’s funny that it took everyone so long to notice. It took the newspapers to spell it out for us. It took a credit freeze.
I think she was right in her winter thesis. I’m so prepared for this though, I’m on the upswing. All of the leaves and street signs are holding on for dear life. I’m holding on for dear life. Silver surfer.

I’m thinking about the night we watched a movie on the couch. My parents were sleeping in their room and we went outside on my back porch. I sparked the lighter but I could only see the flame in your eyes.

When it’s time to get in trouble, we knew just what to do.

i never would have guessed that the megabus offered free wireless

2008-11-19T22:36:00.000-08:00

thats a plus one on the side of things that tell me humanity might be restored.

i dont want to be left with those words stuck in my teeth.
I bit off more than I could chew and I dont know what to do.
Swallowing is not an option, you dug right into this one.
Finding snowfall on state lines, I just want to tell you this before it's too late.

This customary abandonment will not be taken lightly.
I will always think of the back seat when I think of the summer.
The signals straight from the blender were returned with much less grace (or no grace at all.)
If you want to run away, I won't say I can't maintain.

I hope my fingers get in the way of my speech's path.
I hope the numbest displaces the part that feels.
I hope when you're here, you are here.
I hope there is something there to help with the restraint.

I don't have much time left until the year has slipped by.
Calendars are ticking time bombs, there's 43 seconds left.
I don't want them to tell me this is okay.
The truth is an erectile malfunction in the eye's of a man.

There is no room for don't ask, don't tell ideologies.
I think and feel in 45 degree angles.

2008-11-19T17:47:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about today and it was a funny day.
I spent the entire day frustrated. I'm better now.

I had to keep doing things for people and eventually it came down to who was going to be more pissed that I didn't get their stuff done soon enough. That sentence is so confusing, I don't even know what that means.

Then I was standing at an intersection, waiting for the walk signal. (I hate crosswalks.) This guy was standing outside of this beat up, old blazer and he was yelling in Spanish to this couple that was inside. They just had their windows rolled up, except the woman in the passenger seat looked horrified. The guy just started kicking the side view mirror off of the blazer as he screamed. The mirror fell to the ground and then he started kicking the bumper. The bumper started to fall off the car. Haha, I didn't know what to do. This other guy was standing there with me just watching. I just stood there in shock that I was witnessing this. I can't believe the couple inside didn't do a thing about it either. He was standing there kicking the shit out of their blazer for a good 5 minutes and they just sat in the car and looked out horrified. I wish I knew Spanish.

Then, I'm sitting on the Fullerton bus on the way home from work. We were at Southport and these two girls were running to catch the bus (i didn't notice them at the time.) So I'm sitting there with no ipod and all of the sudden, as the bus pulls from the stop I heard this huge thud on the side of the window and i look over and just see a hand. I think I jumped 14 feet. The girls got on the bus because the driver heard them screaming. They sat down and started laughing hysterically about the situation and I started giggling to myself. They looked over and we all laughed for about 4 minutes together about it. All I said was, "Hey man, I was on your side!"

dumb story central.

ride the sky

2008-11-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

It's the time of the year when everything is cold.
I am freezing. My hands are always pink and veiny.
My bruises are taking more than a decade to leave my body.
The yellow pigment is showing more than ever!
I can feel the heat beaming down on me, but it's fighting the trojan horse.
I don't want to miss you before you leave.

you, you're awesome.

2008-11-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

desperate enough

Hey buddy, just so you know, I'm on your side.
My hands were soaked and I thought of you.
it's what we never were after all.

(someone please tell me my horoscope won't be right for once.)

dont scare me

2008-11-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

It's the idea of tug o war.
up and down, and a "thank you" in between
I'm begging you to just tell me.
I figured you'd tell me if it was important.
don't pull me out of there, i never asked that of you.
It's all in the way you use your eyes.
Sleep is so close to my agenda, I'm not running parallel
thank you for being a part of this
please, leave me be.
don't just turn the volume down, listen to what I'm trying to say to you.

Don't walk on eggshells for me. I'm not as fragile as you think.

2008-10-27T14:43:00.001-07:00

if there is a single picture that can describe how I feel, it's this

what a difference it made
tetrahydroisoquinaline
There is a hill on the left side of my brain
My nerves are building a ladder up the side of it and I'm climbing it like it's Moraine.

Chimneys are so stable, always on the edge.

2008-10-25T04:42:00.001-07:00

okay, so i'm not really sure if you are morally supposed to be drinking heavily at 6:42am.
ahhh... ehhh.. ahhh...

i'm still so obviously confused.
I know he's probably wondering what he did and if it was okay. (if you're looking: it's okay.)

I know a place where hate and innocence can play.
Everyday is a new chance.

Losing touch with reality, this isn't where I'm supposed to be!
Why do things like "do's and dont's" control us?
why do we let them?

i dont know what kind of writing i do.
stream of conscience.
or maybe not.
this is.

I dont want to go to sleep, this is getting ridiculous.
I don't blame marissa at all, it's warm.

so poised in the center of the room.
750 mL and I need reminded of what it's good for.

i wonder what makes it so hard to speak your mind.
children, tendencies.

we zoom in.
neo violence.

4 3 2 1

2008-10-25T02:13:00.000-07:00

678-762-1113 ext 110 urie if i want to make bank, do i sell myself short for one of these jobs?
i have someone's hands under me, ready to give me the boost I need.

Trying to save the ice cube from the cold.
I still wish Jeff was here, every time.
Even if we knew which way to head, well, still we probably wouldn't go.
He dropped the line I was scared of. It always comes eventually, i was really ready for it.
I just want to know what was in that warehouse?

"I walked outside. I couldn't cry. I don't know why."

You wait. I overanalyze.

When I was on my way to the train, I noticed what a wonderful night it was for a bike ride.
The after rain feeling made me come alive.
I had no problem jumping on that train.
I don't want to put another hole in this poor organ in my body.

When I asked her for one, she gave me six.
How is the construction still going at 6 am? or maybe it just started?
When I asked him how much, he said how many.
When I walked away, he pursued. Then, he quickly retracted his decision.
He doesn't know that I know about this.

Thursdays are good to weekends

2008-10-24T00:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the quiet roars louder than the music that is used to displace it in the first place.
It's like sitting on your bedroom floor packing your suitcase to go home for 2 weeks when no one is left. You know you have 2 hours until you are supposed to be at the airport and all you can do is cure yourself of a couple more minutes. All it takes it hearing that one song and you have already lost sight of what you were doing in the first place. As hard as you cough, you have a headache (or maybe a fever.) When I think about the tough obstacles I could face on the trek to the station, the last I think about is how tough it is to pull a suitcase through the snow.
I don't want you to know my name.

Out in the desert your thoughts are as clear as the stars. You feel golden. You're billion year old carbon.

2008-10-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

Your flattery is falling on it's face and do you think we could try forgetting?
The slow decrease is making my chest fill with fluid and I'm not 100% sure this antidote will do the trick.
The last time I checked this was the first real thing I've felt in years.
I don't mind silence, except when you're around.
The rain was coming down and you grabbed my hand.
It was the first real thing I've felt in years.

I want to stop seeing the big picture. Let's focus on the details, because this keeps skipping tracks.

I haven't listened to this album in so long.
The only thing worse than riding in the cold is riding in the cold with a cold.
I should not have taken those with milk, milk does not mix well by any means.
When did it get to be that time? Love stories are drowning out the 3am hour.

goodnight and good luck.

I felt like Bruce Springsteen again

2008-10-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

I never want to be one to judge a man by the color of his sneakers.

The train operators voice was young. Probably not much older than myself.
"You must transfer at the elevated tracks at Clark and Lake. Again, the red line is running on the elevated loop structure."
I don't want to be the lord of the flies? Why are you following me?
The screeches of rapid transit are hurting my teeth.
I forgot to call my dad back.

At the LaSalle stop there is a piece of art on the wall and nobody knows it. It's something like the fourth blank Ad space, on the forest park side of the platform. It's a window looking out to a desert and there is a really dark cloud lurking overhead, like it might actually rain in the desert. (Ha! The cacti could only wish!) There is also a faint replica of a flower. It is a picture that could have been made using only pastels and indian ink. I discovered it on a rainy thursday night. I was on my way to an adventure that would later turn us all into living picture frames. Why am I so good at this!?

The cta reaks of take-out Chinese and the idea of poverty gone all wrong.
I guess it's been looked at which makes me hate it.

The room is great.
The space is neat.
It's simple, yet has character.
It's togetherness, for a change.
Besides it's tiny appearance
I didn't want a lot of space.

I remembered that my soul color is orange.
I'm glad it's a word that has nothing that can rhyme with it.

2008-10-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

it's like a whole new generation struck up
i dont remember these people being worthy.
it's that whole level of return that i dont understand.
The clouded skies of tradition.

the banks had a credit freeze, and m83 is opening for kings of leon, what is happening to this world?

2008-09-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

sort of how bums in lincoln park listening to cassettes can send me into an adrenaline induced comatose. Sometimes it feels like the only alone time I get is on my lunch breaks.

I was sitting next to the only lit up tree in the park. It was only 10 after six.
I can feel my heartbeat in my throat. I still obsess over things that relate to me.

2008-08-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about drinking and driving.
Lately, it feels as if allergies are lurking on my eyelashes and occasionally stabbing my eyeballs. I hate this time of the year. Fall, you can't come soon enough.

I get chills when i think about it sometimes.
I can finally relate to her on all levels.
"I dont have friends here"
I feel like I hear that phrase thrown around so much.

Hold out for the ones you know love you.
Hide out for the ones you know will love you too.

I'm barely there.
Slow.

Where am I going? Why am I doing this?
I used to be so goddamn sure of myself all the time.

I didn't imagine this is what I'd be doing here.
I didn't see this as my future and that's scaring the shit out of me.

Up until this point everything had gone according to plan.
. A whim.
this is nothing like my plan.

I'm supposed to be leaving right now and I don't feel like moving.

I keep dimes in my penny loafters, just sayin.

(i keep head scratchin', I hope this new job didn't give me lice)

L-O-V-E carved your name into me.

2008-08-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a year and I'm still not sure.

I dont know if it's growing up that is confusing me or living here that is confusing me.
I'm not convinced that if I was there it'd be in any better.
All I can say is I've worked doubles everyday this week and I'm so worn out.

But it's been one year so I'm going to go out and celebrate. (and pay for it at work tomorrow, fuck u work)

In the city, you must make yourself light.
In the city, you don't have to decide.
Sometimes check yourself, make sure you're alive.

(looking down on the smallest thing, I'm not seeing anything.)

2008-08-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like someone is burying me alive.

I feel like every hour another couple shovels full of dirt are thrown on top of me.
I am falling down.

I wish my financial situation wasn't affecting the way I feel.

I'm trying to continue to go to school, I'm trying to get another apartment secured, and I'm trying to breathe.

I dont have student loans for next semester. I can't get them without a cosigner.
I dont have an apartment for next semester. I can't get another apartment without a cosigner.

I got a second job and I have been working doubles almost every other day.
I also have a cold, which is restricting my lung capacity.
I have been eating tv dinners which make me want to throw up, i have general tso's knock off shit beside me and I've eaten 2 pieces and I'm worked up and can't eat anymore.

I'm seriously failing.
I'm going fucking crazy.
Can someone please help me?

headphones broke
broke ass bike
too much broke.

2008-08-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

I don't really need to see,
so I don't need to see so i'll paint.
I don't know, i'll paint it black.

I don't know me and you don't know you,
so we fit so good together cause I knew you like I knew myself.
We clung on like barnacles on a boat,
eventhough the ship sinks you know you can't let go.

Saying, "Let me in, let me in. Please come out."

Black glass, dirt-based soap.
Tell yourself what you know.
My friends. Oh, my friends.
Bury your head. I'll help you bury your plans.
Hard hit, hard to miss. Problems are what a problem is.

In three song plays it was "Barnacles" - Ugly Casanova, "On the bus mall" - Decemberists, "You remind me of home" - Ben Gibbard.

It made me miss all of you.

charisma

2008-07-19T01:35:00.000-07:00

we had yet to discover.
you and me faded...

i seem to have mostly bad luck. Most of what I own is broken (my heart inlcuded)
It's my own fault for putting myself on the line.
I should have known better and any other time I would have

"We all relocated and moved and replaced them.
new bodies and things now, still remind me.
Get away from the dining room and the bathroom,
where I cried."

I used to want to save the world, now all I want is to leave the world with a little dignity.

I can't read my memos right now. My irresponsibility is continuously getting the best of me.
Fakes are ruling my life and somehow now I'm an alcoholic.
I hitchhiked to work one day and I pass out mid sentences.
I'm a wreck.
Stop it.
My insides are yelling at me.
pitchfork.

try to re-imagine me

2008-07-08T01:57:00.000-07:00

Every time I listen to Cocorosie, i think of living in Columbia dorms.

The other day I caught a glimpse of Jackass, for some reason I could only feel my faith being restored. I don't know how to explain why.

"Occasionally, I want to breathe in the toxin that will shut off my receptors. The neurotransmitters will stop working right and my body will finally stop shaking. I will be able to breathe air like normal people do and enjoy the sky again. I remember when I wasn't like this. I remember when I thought I had the whole world at my fingertips. I remember when I was naive."

It won't be like that.

Today a lady left her umbrella on the train. I felt so bad because it was a nice umbrella. The lady matched, tiger print blazer, black pants, tiger print purse and black shoes. Her umbrella was tiger print as well. She was confused on how to transfer to the red line because the south bound was running elevated. I helped her but then watched her walk away. The second the doors closed I saw she had left her umbrella on the seat. I wanted to get off and go back and give it to her but I knew I'd miss her. I didn't know which way she was going on the red line. At the next stop, a bum walked up to the umbrella, must have mistaken it for a bag, tried to open it and then threw it on the ground. It made me really sad. That lady probably got really excited about buying that umbrella, and he just threw it to the ground. I didn't need the umbrella, so I left it there. I wonder how disappointed she was when she realized she left it.

(I need to stop feeling everyone else's pain.

Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.

Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.

I sleep too late and stay up til the wee hours of the morning.
I need to fix my schedule.

Thank god for Logan Sq.
[via. chicago]

Went to a hawaiian grill with a friend tonight
I was rather impressed with their food quality.

95% positive I have a broken bone in my foot.
Need to go to doctor.
Need to buy groceries.
Need to clean room.
Need to do laundry.

********I am just a man, still learning how to fall**

2008-06-28T23:10:00.001-07:00

So after being here for almost a month, I like it. I like it a lot. It's what I need. it's tough, but anymore, what isn't?

The other day I was desperate for a little swimming and since Lake Michigan is ungodly cold until at least August, I decided to do some pool research. Luckily, the red eye did this edition of all the free public pools in chicago that are all maintained by the chicago park district. I was going to venture to the one in Humboldt Park because I live a few blocks north, and it has a slide! When I got there, I saw signs for a beach and decided to follow them. Caution to the fellow females: the "gentlemen" that hang here are all fucking scumbags, just get to the beach and you'll be fine. I wish I knew Spanish so I could at least retort. So I get to the park field house and see signs for a swimming lagoon. This sounds interesting, so I walk down this tiny path and see all these kids swimming in this big lagoon. This place is so rad. It has a beach and an ice cream man that comes around like twice every hour. His ice cream is only a dollar and it's really not to sketch once you are down there. it's my new favorite place in the city. However, myself and a friend did get offered two budweisers wrapped in napkins by two mexican fellows who were wading in the water near us. We declined and instead the man asked my friend for a cigarette and tried to pay her a dollar, so she gave him two. The water temperature isn't exactly what I'd call warm, it's a decent sized lagoon, but if I just jump in everytime, balls to the wall, it doesn't take long to get adjusted.

Other news, my bike has a flat tire. Bummer.
It just needs a new tube. I have one, but haven't gotten around to doing it.

casiotone for the painfully alone tomorrow. again. BAM fest.

2008-06-21T20:41:00.001-07:00

Weird vibes are my life, it's hard being a human
being surrounded by yogurt flowers

It's like my ipod always knows exactly how I feel and all it's doing is feeding into it.
On my father's birthday, i choked on a piece of chocolate.
Straight choked. I've never been more scared.

I was driving down the road at 3:45am and all i could do was scream,
if that's what she needs let her have it!

someone tell me this is only temporary

2008-06-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

when I used to ride the bus to school in junior high, i used to listen to bjork's joga. I would sit as still as possible and sometimes I could make it feel like I was detached from my body. I wouldn't be able to feel my arms or legs when I was just sitting there. I fucking hated Pennsylvania man. That's all I used to think about.

I'm so far in debt. I owe way too much money to too many different places. I haven't been getting adequate sleep at night. I lie there and toss and turn and finally doze off for a bit, my alarm goes off, i stumble around until I have to leave. Then I get on my bike and pedal the 25 minute ride. The only benefit I see is I finally have some color to my typically ghost-like complexion. I will come home and think about the fact that I'm broke and then lay down and listen to music. I will close my eyes while I lie there and finally fall asleep. So far this summer has been unsuccessful. I've only been back a week and a half. It seems that summer just means working more hours a week.
A plethora of shitty things have already happened:
- freeze on my checking acct cause of no activity in 45 days
-rent check late due to frozen acct
-dropped phone in toilet. sober.
-got stuck in rain biking on the way to work... two days in a row.
-small ants are uniting and taking over my apartment
-outta mountain dew
-my parents were an hour late picking me up at the bus station, wouldn't have been bad if it wasn't 2am in cleveland
- $111.05 due to bank by June 23rd

someone make something go right, please???

"I'm fifteen years old and I feel it's already too late to live, don't you?"

edit: i severely miss my old bedroom.

2008-05-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have thought an awful lot lately.
Today I thought of all the possibilities.
Man, today I saw an old friend of mine. It's been so long.
That entire piece of my life is something I often forget about.

I thought about love through a postage stamp.
It should mean something.
I wonder a lot about if you wonder too.
I wander a lot and wonder if you wander too.
I actually already know the truth.
I think that's why I can maintain my balance.

It got really tricky for a bit.
I felt like such an accident.
I felt like I shouldn't ever act that way.

I'd spend days in retail,
wondering what a fool I made of myself.
Finally I'd get a few, look and realize it was far worst than I had expected.
I always felt like such a let down.

I know I'm such a fool
for letting you control my feelings
in such a place with so many unexplored boundaries.
maybe i'm not the fool, after all.

I am pushing myself to my limits
i didn't do that yet
i'm learning and i'm yearning
you're waning on me.

2008-05-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

today i went on a walk in the park during my lunch break at work
during that lunch break, i thought it might be the apocalypse
it turns out it wasn't and i continued to watch a momma duck lead her babies into the water

as i did this, this is what i wrote:

"All of these geese conversations under a cottage cheese sky. I'm seconds from being bombarded.
There are people all around me, all with much more ambition than me.
I might get blown away"

I'm living with drennen in a few weeks. HIGH FIVES TO HAVING A DOG!! (and a record collection that puts yours to shame)

2008-05-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

while i was on the bus I thought about that day. I had gotten on the bus to go to work and I made a deal with myself. I would call you and if you answered I would stop on my way home and surprise you with some chocolate covered fruit shit or something of the like. Just as a reminder that I cared because things didn't feel right. I remembered how you didn't answer the phone when i called, not just that day, but the entire weekend. Failed attempt at feelings.

v.1.5.3.

2008-05-08T02:16:00.000-07:00

When you are a kid you have this really fucked up idea of what your parents really are.
you don't understand that they aren't super humans.
I thought about that a lot today while I was in the elevator.

The arrangement of the seating helps me to understand.
I want to pull the strings.
Help me hide please!
This is the primary reason I need a ghost costume.
This is a life gathering event.

We are apes that understand texting.

I want to stick my head in a hole and become an ostrich.
But i don't know much about being an ostrich.
I know this isn't how you are supposed to feel.

Coin were falling from me in all directions!
Are my needs really that extreme?

"this is america, not no nicaragua"

Direct quote that I don't want to forget:
"It's like a banana when it turns ripe, it's the right time.
Right now is the right time.
All these bananas and they are turning yellow!"

stitch and thread with no down payment.

I saw CTFPA with marissa. It was owen's birthday so it was extra cool.
I saw Cut Copy tonight by myself.
Cool. Bye

2008-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

people don't live in place, they live in space
and
I know what folded pages means
I know it's got nothing to do with some girl on an east coast highway
no fingernails left
serious doubts popped up
i realized my favorite band had already broken up

i tighten my fist everytime we dive into the other path
i couldn't turn your autopilot off for the life of me

i didn't want to reach my hand to the corner of my eye
i had never seen my fingers so small
the yellow displaced the safety in numbers
familiar sets of letters bring negative connotations

this reminds me of sitting on the marble steps in front of Linda Lucas Dance Studio.
hoping a stop in sharpsville was on someone's to do list.

ipods flood the seats
they are partial to the way you speak
what a wonderful day for the other side of the bus

heart failure

2008-03-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

as the moon waxed,
it watched the road
unfold under its glow
and the glow of headlights.
every so often the speed limit sighed "65" and
we nodded politely as the needle pricked 80
and every state was pennsylvania, was ours

hypotheses

2008-03-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

I'm standing on my
tiptoes trying to reach
your state of mind
and I'm seeing it quite
difficult, (without a map)
to find.
there are signs that
point me in the wrong
direction, like down instead of
up, I say my soles are worn
through and I'm barely anywhere
but where I was where
I began, has paved
its roads and become refined
but I know enough to know enough
and this skyline cannot fool me
I'm nowhere near your level.

street wise

2008-03-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

This day had gone to shit with that drip
soiled water soaked the shell
soggy reminders of why your mother doesn't believe in things like that.

Why do I keep looking down? Why do I save one for you every time?
just in case.

Why is this left unfilled? Why am I still fucking waiting?

I told you not to bother to...
I stayed up all night and sat straight up as bedtime passed.
I'm embarassed by how quick the red flash made my heart skip a beat.
this is the end of transmission.

why do I always run down the hallway when there is no one watching?

dumb narrative

2008-03-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

I can remember the first time he took me there; it was in April of 2005. I had been to that park countless times and never explored farther than the trails provided for our enjoyment. When my best friend told me to drive down the path that read “Breakneck Bridge,” I started to wonder, “Where in the hell is he taking me?” We parked the car and stepped outside; it was so warm for April. I stretched my legs as I got out of the car and took in a breath of fresh Pennsylvania air, I was ready for any adventure in front of me. We started walking towards the guardrail and as I peered over, my gut felt empty again. Maybe not. Jeff must have noticed the look on my face because he smiled and quickly added in, “Trust me, its not that bad and it’ll be worth it when we get there.” We had been friends since fourth grade; he was the only boy that hadn’t let me down. I’d never admit it to him but I always trusted him.
The first part of the path appears to be almost straight down. I look down and notice the trees that lined the path had been broken away by other hikers at an earlier time. I wonder if they were as scared as me? As I crawl down the hillside, holding onto only tree roots (please don’t break, please don’t break) I wonder who first knew to come here? Once we clear the tree roots, we walked towards another hillside, this time the dirt looks loose and I’m wondering how my flip-flops will react. I can’t help but notice that at the end of the downhill slide, there is a cliff waiting. I bite my tongue and take off down the hill. To my surprise, it wasn’t as tough as I had expected. I could feel the dirt between my toes turning to mud as my feet made it obvious I was nervous. No worries now, we were at a plateau. I hadn’t noticed before but the sound of the water was getting much closer. It’s amazing how fear takes a hold of you with such a tight grip you forget what is around you. We continued to walk towards a large boulder when I looked up. There were rocks reaching for what seemed like miles all around us. Where did this come from and why didn’t you tell me to bring a camera? He explained that this wasn’t what he brought me to see and it still gets better. How could that be? The rocks were formed so naturally around the landing at the bottom of the hill, as if Mother Nature gave strict instructions to the weathering. Every shade of grey and brown you could ever imagine was above me, stacked in layers. We started walking towards the thunderclaps of the water. Down a boulder, up a boulder, slide between some rocks and most of all: don’t slip. As we walked around the last boulder I can feel the moisture so heavy in the air I know we have to be close. Jeff took a step up onto a rock and gave me his hand. I stepped up and realized I was standing next to a waterfall. Jeff hunched down and crawled across the rocks as the water splashed his back. I followed him behind the waterfall to the other side. I took a seat beside him. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. How can something like this even exist in this town?
At the time, I was scared I’d fall into oblivion and no one would be able to find me. What I really got from going along with my best friend was an oasis. As the days and weeks passed, as long as Mother Nature held up her end of the bargain, I’d be at Breakneck Falls. Its distance from my driveway is exactly 44.7 miles or the perfect amount of songs to shuffle through on my Ipod. The corner convenience store ate so many dollars from my pockets. Iced tea was always essential for the trip. Every time I walked down the hill it got easier and easier. The temperature always dropped the closer you got to the water and some days that’s the reason I enjoyed it so much.
When I first started going, I’d always invite along a companion. I loved to take people there. When Jeff showed me that waterfall my life as it was before, was never the same again. The water’s tranquility before it exploded down the rocks was my favorite part. I felt like that water, smoothly flowing along but just waiting to crash. You could always tell how much it had rained lately by the roar of the water splashing. The dampness from the rocks always felt cool against my legs, as I’d peer out over the ledge. I remember always feeling guilty for smoking cigarettes there. Where do you throw the butt when you are surrounded by beauty? Thank god I quit.
I started going to the falls alone more often as I got older. Senior year of high school approached and it was pretty apparent that things were going to change soon.
Jeff’s family had always talked about moving south and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I’d stop by anytime I had a minute and some extra fuel. I started getting so scared my last couple days in town, just like I was the first day Jeff had brought me there. Everything I knew would be so far away soon. I didn’t realize what I was leaving when I moved to Chicago. Those last two months in Pennsylvania have such a stale aftertaste. I knew I had to enjoy it while it lasted, so I continued to take trips down that interstate. I still feel most alive when I am near a body of water and I am still convinced that Breakneck Falls is the only place that I can go that can clear my mind.
The rolling green hillsides and trees for miles that I once couldn’t wait to get rid of are now what I look forward to seeing the most. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Jeff’s family moved to South Carolina in October and sometimes I still feel empty. I still show up at home for a weekend here and there and disappear for a few hours. The falls are the same as they always have been, water levels are high this time of the year. Every time I go there now, I remember that day we pulled in and Jeff told me to park my car in the turn around. I thought he was crazy, but I know now he’s still the only boy I trust.

grapevine

2008-03-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

is it possible to feel like both heaven and hell at the same time?
Why does the roof of my mouth hurt everytime I swallow?
i hate it when i have dirty fingernails.

WATER WATER EVERYWHERE!
yes.
So this is to tracks, and loving and hating in more ways than 35.

WAIT! I get it now
that's why you're
bored well let me just walk on this
balance beam okay?
We'll take care of it.

when the plastic slides across the table, I exploded already.
we don't want to meet anyone else ever.
I stomped this out.
Please don't let that be the last nerve, you had better adjust your insides.

You feel robbed! Had you explained

that marker is out of sight and my teeth keep pressing harder down on my lip.
why does that fucking thing keep doing that? (not my teeth)
Don't allow section 1 to provide the text.

Generation is no longer here. It never fits. I always tie the ends to fix it.
They only giggle...

2008-03-13T02:25:00.000-07:00

the sun was shining upon the vast expanse of land
the birds went on
chirping, the phone rang
i did not pick it up

by myself in my home
empty parking lots stare back and laugh 'cause
they know they are less lonely

I let the machine answer the phone
you said, "call me."
hung up so suddenly as if you knew
I was searching for the phone

in clothing three days too old
reaking of orange juice and stale cigarettes
empty parking lots stare back and laugh

in a miracle that is love, i am
lost

i haven't shaved nor showered since that day
sat alone staring at ticket stubs and
pressed flowers I had saved.
I picked flowers again that day

I sleep in late, hoping you will have called by the time I awake.

and you will probably see me on the street
soon as the landlord realizes that the last two months rent hasn't come

empty parking lots state back and laugh
take a picture, it will last longer than me...

(disclaimer: i think i wrote this when i was 16. don't judge)

dirty feet girls

2008-03-13T02:18:00.000-07:00

--

what once was
is still being endured.
__
please.
--
no more mouthing of words to failed lip readers

we will plot our occupancy in lover's brains
and fill in our silence
before thoughts reach their expiration dates
unlike canned thoughts or frozen thoughts
poorly planned meals we put to trash right along with our anger

(ha! how silly it feels to long for anger)

this will be communication chaos
a phone tap
without fear of jailtime
__

it is written that we will go down as screaming jezebels
estrogren temper tantrums gone beautifully wild
bursting our cartoon balloon hearts if it must be so
__
ignorance, Honey...
well, we never could understand a thing like that.
__

I don't see things getting any easier as we get smarter.
__

Next stop... failed feminism.

Loose ends

2008-03-12T03:29:00.000-07:00

I'm losing it, it's slipping away
away from my grasp with all these chemicals
the medicated numb I am no higher than the cliff I dove from
I'm so proud my spine stands twelve feet tall
each supple nerve wrapped even tighter around than the last
One smooth operator
suave upper vertebrae and shit's still oozing from my brain

No one pats my back anymore
No one pats my back and when they do
I turn ill and want to drown them in my guts
I should've felt some sick sense of self-fulfillment
yet my spine weakens and snaps
all twelve feet tall fall to a heap on this tile
it's cold and not receiving well or with
much politeness at all
I just entered and ultimately cleared a room

I just ate every last strawberry, I wasn't even hungry
Still, I hope someone catches a seed that I blow from the crack of my teeth
I hope it lands on their lip and embeds itself
in a pore until fertilized by vitamin enriched words and
chicken soup for the teenage fucking soul

A tiny door opens and a fox slips in
hope he doesn't fall through the cracks
what's the cream cheese on my bagel? what flavor, if any at all?
Am I that kind of a girl? Do I dream like the king?

with every possible fruit provided, can your fruit salad still be sweet?
everyone knows it's the lemon that preserves this salad
without you the sweet treats of the others go brown and rot

I cannot believe that I have resorted to writing to no one listening.
I talk to no one that reads
I just re-read the first line and it's not promising

Do you ever wish the interior matched the exterior
why can't we teach everyone how to behave with a spoonful of peanut butter
we can make a two-legged dog dance.
Has anyone ever cracked open an egg that has accidentally been fertilized?

If you have to leave a loved one behind on your travels or adventures
your thoughts will turn repeatedly to the small gestures that make your
relationship different from any other you've ever had before.

I blame everyone around me
point that goddamned finger condemning all that stand around me
the second I escape, I begin to see it's still there.

I am afraid of semis

2008-03-12T03:19:00.000-07:00

Words on paper are here for what?

Oh, how I miss you in that crowded room.
My fingers pressed the buttons.

I'll cut you into pieces
and steal just one
to stuff crumbled in these pockets
where my hands hide deep

I'll play with the worn out edges
while you pass me on the street
when all we have to give is awkward smiles

I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop
don't worry darling, I won't stop
(telling myself... don't look back, don't look back)

Feeling guilty for stealing a glance
like myself as I knew it was no longer
and I couldn't bear to sing along anymore
frankly,
I am not longer fond of the tune.

Mind over matter
What a lie to everyone that ever felt
the slightest impulse to hold on
even if you were a lie
walking down the street
silently breaking something that belongs to me

I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop.
don't worry darling, I won't stop this time
(telling myself... look down, look down, look down)